Is Your Inner Critic Running the Show? How Therapy Helps You Soften Self-Judgment
Understanding why the voice in your head keeps pushing, criticizing, and demanding more (even when you’re already doing everything you can).
There’s a certain kind of exhaustion that women tell me about all the time. The kind that doesn’t show up on your face but lives quietly under your skin. On the outside, you’re functioning, achieving, showing up. But on the inside, there’s often a hum of “not enough,” a sense that no matter what you do, you should be doing more.
When that relentless internal pressure takes over, it’s not your intuition speaking, it’s your inner critic (and wow, can it be loud!).
Hi! I’m Jennifer, a trauma-informed therapist offering virtual therapy for residents of New York and Massachusetts and in-person therapy services Brooklyn. I help women who are constantly striving, overextending, or quietly battling self-judgment that leaves them drained, disconnected from joy, or numb from carrying too much for too long.
If you’ve been wondering why you’re so hard on yourself or why the voice inside keeps pushing even when you’re running on empty, you’re in the right place. Let’s gently explore this together.
That Voice in Your Head That’s Never Satisfied
Most people know the inner critic well. It’s that internal running commentary that says:
“You should’ve done better.”
“Why aren’t you further along?”
“That wasn’t enough.”
A Psychology Today article describes the inner critic as a negative self-talk filled with judgment and harsh evaluation. A voice that scrutinizes everything you do.
For high achievers, this voice can feel like a strange kind of motivator. You’re successful and capable, but the more you do, the more your inner critic keeps pushing you.
In your day-to-day life, the inner critic tends to show up when you:
Keep going long after your body is screaming “please stop”
Stay in relationships where you feel invisible or unsupported
It often feels like it’s part of your personality, but most of the time it’s an old habit formed early in life. And it’s a habit that keeps you working hard, bracing for the worst, and running yourself down.
Many women tell me they feel both too much and not enough at the same time. That’s the inner critic tugging in opposite emotional directions. This voice fuels guilt for putting yourself first, fear of slowing down, and cycles of numbing or overworking. It’s often what keeps you running on empty.
If you want to understand why people-pleasing feels automatic (and why saying “no” feels so scary) this article gently breaks down the trauma roots behind it and how healing actually begins. Read it here.
Where the Inner Critic Comes From
The inner critic doesn’t just show up out of nowhere. It usually begins with messages we took in when we were young from caregivers, teachers, and even the culture we grew up in (source).
And another Psychology Today article explains that when children repeatedly experience indifference or inconsistency, they often learn to blame themselves because it feels safer than believing the world is unpredictable.
In trauma-related cases, the inner critic can be a protective part. The internal voice that says, “If you get everything right, maybe you won’t be rejected.” (A loving intention delivered in the harshest possible tone).
When you grow up absorbing beliefs like “My needs don’t matter,” “I have to earn love,” or “Being visible is dangerous,” the inner critic gets wired into your nervous system.
For the women I work with, the critic may have learned early that connection depended on being perfect or hiding their true feelings. So it learned to push, warn, judge, and protect.
Even now, the critic often runs quietly in the background until you’re so depleted that joy feels far away.
The Cost of Chronic Self-Criticism
When the inner critic is in the driver’s seat, it affects everything:
Anxiety and self-doubt become constant companions.
Shame flares whenever you rest or need help.
You feel disconnected, numb, or exhausted.
You work extra hard because it feels like something about you is “not enough.”
The lived reality? Staying late at work “just to be safe,” feeling invisible even when you’re doing everything, coming home drained and wondering why joy feels out of reach. You might feel like you’re running on fumes (because you are).
Self-criticism also interferes with real self-care. The inner critic loves to say, “You don’t deserve rest,” or “You’ll fall behind if you pause.” And the more you try to suppress the voice, the louder it often becomes.
And to make things worse, research shows trying to suppress harsh internal thoughts often backfires and the thoughts come back stronger (source).
Why You Can’t Just “Think Positive” to Quiet It Down
If you’ve ever tried repeating “I’m enough”, only to feel your inner critic roll its eyes (loudly), you’re not alone.
Positive thinking doesn’t work when the inner critic runs deep. This voice lives in your memories, your body, and old protective habits, not just in your thoughts. And the critic may even judge your positive thinking attempts as weak or fake.
Why? Because the critic is trying to protect you from danger, rejection, or failure (even if its methods are painful). And because your nervous system remembers old experiences long after your mind thinks you’ve “moved on.”
Instead of trying to force positive thoughts, we need to understand this voice, slow it down, and build a new kind of inner relationship. One based on curiosity, kindness, and helping your nervous system actually feel safe.
How Trauma Therapy Helps Rewire Your Inner Voice
Therapies like EMDR and DBR therapy help your brain and body process the memories and beliefs you’ve been holding onto. They can calm the inner critic by working through old moments that taught you things like “I’m not good enough” or “I have to be perfect to be loved.”
We work together to loosen the grip of the old messages so that new internal beliefs can take root. Ones like “I deserve care,” “I matter,” or “I can rest without losing myself.”
And when we combine EMDR with parts-work we can help you recognize the critic as a protective part. One that can be softened, not battled.
For women who feel stretched too thin or stuck trying to take care of everyone else, therapy gives you a place to slow down (even if slowing down feels scary at first), notice your patterns, and try new ways of relating to yourself.
Whether you work with me through virtual therapy in Massachusetts, virtual therapy in New York, or in-person therapy services in Brooklyn, this work is deeply supportive for anyone who’s tired of feeling like their inner critic is running their life.
If you want to go deeper into how parts work can ease shame and help you understand your inner world with more compassion, read my full blog on Internal Family Systems. It’s a gentle, clear guide to why your parts matter, and how they can finally feel heard.
Building a Kinder Inner World (One Small Step at a Time)
Softening the inner critic is gradual, tender work. Here are practices I often offer clients:
Pause and notice.
Simply catching the critic in action (“Ah, there you are again”) creates space.
Name the voice.
Giving the critic a name or identity helps separate you from the judgment.
Get curious, not ashamed.
Ask: “What is this voice worried will happen if I stop pushing?” (Curiosity opens doors that shame shuts).
Try a gentle experiment.
Try meeting one small need you have, even if your inner critic doesn’t like it.
Practice self-compassion.
Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend who’s exhausted and trying their best.
Re-connect with things that bring you joy.
Even tiny moments can help you feel less numb.
Reach out for therapeutic support.
It’s much easier to work with the inner critic when someone can guide you through the deeper layers, especially with EMDR intensive work or DBR therapy.
And remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate the critic entirely. It’s to shift who’s holding the steering wheel. You get to lead, with compassion, clarity, and choice.
Life Beyond the Inner Critic
Your inner critic isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s proof that somewhere along the way, you learned to protect yourself the only way you knew how. Therapy helps you update that internal system so you can move through the world with more calmness, comfort, and inner safety.
You deserve a relationship with yourself that feels steady, open, and kind (and yes, that’s possible, even for the most self-critical among us).
If your inner critic has been running the show and you’re ready for a different way forward, I’d be honored to support you. I offer virtual therapy for adults in New York and Massachusetts, as well as in-person sessions in Brooklyn.
Reach out when you’re ready, you don’t have to keep carrying this alone.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice or mental health care. The content reflects general knowledge and opinion, not personalized treatment. Reading this blog does not create a therapeutic relationship. Please consult a licensed professional for support.
