When Family Gatherings Bring Up Old Wounds: How Therapy Helps You Set Boundaries and Stay Grounded
Understanding why the people who know us best can still touch the wounds we hide.
Every year, as the holidays roll around, something stirs beneath the surface. The calendar fills with plans, invites, and travel logistics, but beneath it all, a familiar tightness builds. Family gatherings bring up old wounds in ways we don’t always expect. One small comment, a glance across the table, or the way someone laughs can pull you back into a younger version of yourself. The one who felt unseen, criticized, or like you had to be the “easy one.”
I’m Jennifer, a New York and Massachusetts EMDR therapist, and I’ve seen this pattern play out countless times. In my clients, and yes, in myself (therapists are human too). The mix of holiday stress, social gatherings, and unspoken family roles can make even the most grounded person feel off-balance. But there are ways to approach this season differently. With awareness, tools, and self-compassion that help you stay steady.
Ready to take a closer look at how therapy can help you stay grounded during family gatherings? Let’s get into it.
Recognizing the Unease
That uneasy feeling before a family event isn’t just “holiday stress.” It’s your body remembering. When family gatherings bring up old wounds, your nervous system often reacts before your mind catches up. You might notice your shoulders tense, your heart race, or your energy dip as you imagine the conversations ahead.
If you catch yourself rehearsing what you’ll say, or bracing for someone’s reaction, that’s information that we shouldn’t ignore. Your body is signaling that it remembers what it feels like to be in this space, with these people. Noticing the unease is the first step in staying grounded. Think of it as emotional weather: you can’t control the storm, but you can prepare for it.
Why Old Wounds Get Activated Around Family & Holidays
It’s not just the event itself, it’s what it represents. The holidays carry layers of expectation: connection, tradition, and the unspoken hope that “this year will be different.” But when family gatherings bring up old wounds, those expectations meet the reality of long-standing dynamics.
Maybe you fall into the role of caretaker, peacemaker, or overachiever (the one who keeps everyone comfortable). These roles can be exhausting, and they often resurface during social gatherings where everyone slips into familiar patterns.
The combination of nostalgia, stress during the holidays, and unresolved emotions can activate old pain points. You might find yourself losing your cool, arguing over small things, or having a big reaction when you're normally calm and measured. These moments — snapping at a comment that wouldn't usually bother you, getting into an argument you'd typically walk away from — often connect back to the younger you who worked hard to be liked or feared being "too much." Recognizing that these reactions are rooted in past experiences (not current weakness or who you really are) helps you respond differently in the moment.
What Happens When You Can’t Say No: The Cost of Being “Available”
Many of us struggle with saying no to family, especially during the holidays. It can feel easier to go along, smile through discomfort, or overextend yourself to keep the peace. But there’s a cost to always being “available” and people pleasing.
When family gatherings bring up old wounds, saying yes when you mean no can quietly erode your sense of self. You may leave feeling drained, resentful, or invisible. Over time, this constant availability reinforces old patterns. The ones that tell you love must be earned or that setting boundaries make you selfish.
It’s hard to rewrite those messages. But therapy can help you understand where they come from and practice new ways of saying no (without guilt). When you start protecting your time and energy, you create room for authenticity (and that’s where real connection begins).
If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable or confusing, you’re not alone. Explore why it’s so challenging (and how to change it) in my blog: Why Boundaries Feel So Hard.
Grounding Yourself in the Moment: Practical Tools
When family gatherings bring up old wounds, grounding techniques can help you stay connected to the present rather than getting swept back into the past. Simple sensory-based tools work best.
Here are a few you can use:
Feel your feet: Literally. Notice the weight of your body and the surface beneath you.
Take five slow breaths: In through the nose, out through the mouth. It’s not fancy, but it interrupts spiraling thoughts.
Use a phrase: Something like “I’m safe right now” or “I can choose how to respond.”
Excuse yourself for a minute: Step outside or into the bathroom to reset. Small pauses can prevent emotional overwhelm.
Bilateral stimulation: Alternate tapping on your knees or listen to bilateral music for 5 minutes.
Grounding doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings. It means anchoring yourself so you can respond instead of react. Grounding is a tiny act of rebellion against old patterns.
Therapy as Support for Old Wounds and Present Boundaries
You don’t have to face this alone. When family gatherings bring up old wounds, therapy offers a space to unpack what gets stirred and learn how to navigate it differently. Scheduling a session while you're actually at your relatives' home can be especially valuable—it captures the real-time emotions and dynamics in a way that's rich with information to process together. Together, we can explore the stories that still live in your body. The ones that show up through tension, overthinking, or emotional numbing.
Through approaches like EMDR or DBR, we can help your nervous system process those experiences so they don’t keep hijacking the present. Therapy helps you recognize when you’re slipping into survival mode and teaches your body how to return to calm.
Curious about how unprocessed memories affect the body and emotional balance? Read my blog on this topic here: Is Trauma Stored in the Body?
How to Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like the Grinch)
Setting boundaries during the holidays doesn’t have to mean cutting people off or skipping every event. It means showing up in ways that feel sustainable.
Start with clarity: What do you actually want from this gathering? Connection? Peace? A sense of belonging? When family gatherings bring up old wounds, boundaries help you protect those intentions.
Try these small shifts:
Decide ahead of time how long you'll stay, and be honest with yourself rather than extending out of guilt. If needed, compromise with a shorter visit to start
Plan a supportive exit if things get tense (like taking a walk, texting a friend, or scheduling solo activities for downtime away from family).
Use simple language: “I’d love to come, but I can’t this time,” or “That doesn’t work for me.” Resist the urge to over-explain.
You might feel guilty at first, that’s normal. But guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it often means you’re doing something new. Over time, boundaries become less about restriction and more about care.
When the Gathering Is Finished: Reflecting and Resetting
After the event, give yourself time to decompress. Notice what felt good and what didn’t. When family gatherings bring up old wounds, reflection helps you learn what your system needs next time. Maybe you realize you need shorter visits or more support before and after the trip.
Journaling can help, or even a quiet walk where you let your body settle. You don’t have to fix everything, noticing is enough. Over time, these small acts of reflection build resilience and clarity.
How Therapy Helps When Family Gatherings Bring Up Old Wounds
Family time can be beautiful, but also complicated. If you’ve ever wondered why family gatherings bring up old wounds, you’re not alone. Those moments of discomfort are invitations — to notice, to care for yourself, and to practice something different this year.
Therapy can help you make sense of what’s happening beneath the surface so you can show up more grounded, connected, and free. At Soulful Flow, I offer therapy for women who feel drained by expectations and ready to reconnect with themselves. I provide therapy virtually for residents of New York and Massachusetts, and in-person sessions in Brooklyn.
If you’re tired of feeling stuck in the same family patterns, contact me today and let’s explore how therapy can support you this season and beyond.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice or mental health care. The content reflects general knowledge and opinion, not personalized treatment. Reading this blog does not create a therapeutic relationship. Please consult a licensed professional for support.
