The Guilt of Saying No: Why Boundaries Feel So Hard (And How Therapy Can Help)
Why setting boundaries feels so hard—and how therapy can help you do it without guilt.
If you’ve ever said “yes” to something you didn’t want to do just to avoid disappointing someone, you’re not alone. There’s a reason why boundaries feel so hard, (even almost impossible at times!) And when you finally muster up the courage to set a boundary, guilt often comes rushing in. You might wonder, Am I being selfish? Will they think I don’t care? Will they be mad at me?
That guilty feeling is one of the biggest reasons high-achieving women, (especially those used to taking care of everyone else) struggle with boundaries. But here’s the truth: boundaries are not selfish. They’re essential for your well-being, your relationships, and your ability to live a life that feels aligned with your values.
I’m a therapist who specializes in supporting women who look like they have it all together on the outside—but inside, feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsure how to keep going without burning out. Through Soulful Flow Counseling, I offer therapy services in New York and Massachusetts, with virtual and EMDR intensive options available.
If you’re ready to feel more grounded, empowered, and connected to your true self, you can book a free consultation here.
In this post, we’ll explore why saying no can feel so complicated, where the guilt comes from, and how therapy can help you build healthy boundaries, without losing yourself in the process.
The Inner Tug-of-War: Wanting to Say No but Feeling Like You Can’t
There’s a moment that happens before you say yes, where you know deep down that you don’t have the time, energy, or desire to take on another commitment. But instead of saying no, you push through and agree anyway.
This inner tug-of-war can feel exhausting, and it’s one reason why boundaries feel so hard. Part of you knows your schedule is full, that you’re running on empty, or that you simply need rest. But another part fears what will happen if you decline. You might picture the disappointed look on a friend’s face, worry about letting down your boss, or imagine the judgment of a family member.
This conflict between your inner knowing and the fear of others’ reactions can create a cycle of overcommitment and burnout. Over time, it’s easy to lose touch with what you actually want because you’re so used to making decisions based on other people’s expectations.
Where the Guilt Comes From: Early Messages About Worth and Approval
The guilt that surfaces when we say no doesn’t appear out of nowhere. For many women, it stems from early messages about what it means to be “good,” worthy, or lovable.
If you grew up in an environment where approval was tied to your behavior (where being agreeable, helpful, and accommodating earned you praise) you may have learned to equate saying yes with being loved. Over time, this belief can solidify into a pattern: If I meet other people’s needs, I’ll be okay. If I don’t, I’ll disappoint them or risk losing connection.
These early experiences teach us that other people’s comfort matters more than our own. So when we set a boundary as adults, even if it’s necessary and reasonable, it can trigger a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. That fear often shows up as guilt, even though we’re not actually doing anything wrong.
Childhood trauma doesn’t disappear just because we grow up. Learn how early experiences shape your adult life—and how healing is possible. Read the full blog.
Guilt vs. Resentment
It’s normal to want to avoid guilt, it’s an uncomfortable emotion. But when we constantly prioritize avoiding guilt, we often create a bigger, heavier emotion in its place: resentment.
Resentment builds when we repeatedly ignore our own needs and values to keep the peace or maintain approval. You might notice yourself feeling irritated or drained by the people you keep saying yes to. You might start to withdraw from relationships altogether, simply because you feel so depleted.
Here’s an important reframe: it’s actually healthier to feel some guilt at first than to live with ongoing resentment. Guilt usually means you’re practicing something new. Aligning your actions with your values and needs instead of defaulting to what’s expected of you. Over time, as you practice boundaries, that initial guilt will lessen, and you’ll start to feel more confident in protecting your time and energy.
People-Pleasing as a Protection Strategy
If you’re wondering why boundaries feel so hard, it’s important to remember that people-pleasing likely served a purpose at some point. For many women, it became a protection strategy in environments where speaking up or disappointing others felt unsafe.
By being agreeable and accommodating, you may have minimized conflict or avoided negative consequences. It was a way to stay connected and protected.
The problem is, when people-pleasing becomes your default in adulthood, it can keep you stuck in unhealthy patterns. It may feel like you’re preserving relationships, but in reality, you’re sacrificing your own needs—and often, the relationships themselves suffer because they’re not based on authenticity.
If this resonates with you, you may want to read more about people-pleasing as a trauma response. Understanding the roots of this pattern can help you approach it with compassion instead of shame.
The Hidden Cost of Always Being Available
On the surface, always being available might seem like a sign of reliability or generosity. But there’s a hidden cost to constantly saying yes.
When you never give yourself permission to rest or prioritize your own needs, your mental and physical health can take a hit. Chronic stress, burnout, and feelings of emptiness are common among women who struggle with boundaries.
There’s also a relational cost. When you say yes out of obligation instead of genuine desire, the quality of your relationships can suffer. You may feel disconnected from the people you’re trying so hard to please. Or you might feel taken advantage of, even if others have no idea how much you’re sacrificing.
In short, living without boundaries is unsustainable. It erodes your sense of self and leaves you with little capacity to show up fully for the people and commitments that actually matter to you.
How Therapy Helps You Build Boundaries Without Losing Yourself
One of the fears women often share in therapy is that if they start setting boundaries, they’ll become “cold” or “selfish.” But healthy boundaries are the opposite of that. They allow you to connect with others from a place of authenticity instead of resentment or obligation.
Therapy can help you:
Understand why boundaries feel so hard
Understand the roots of your guilt and people-pleasing patterns
Explore how early experiences shaped your beliefs about saying no
Practice boundary-setting language that feels natural and kind
Build tolerance for the discomfort that may arise when you disappoint someone
Reconnect with your own needs and values so your decisions feel aligned
A therapist can also help you notice where you might be overextending yourself and support you in creating realistic expectations, both for yourself and for others. With this guidance, you’ll be able to set boundaries in a way that feels empowering, not alienating.
Practicing New Boundaries: It’s Okay If It Feels Uncomfortable at First
If you’re just beginning to practice boundaries, it’s normal for it to feel uncomfortable. You may notice that guilt flares up when you decline an invitation or ask for what you need. That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it’s simply a sign that you’re doing something different.
Here are a few tips for getting started:
Start small. You don’t have to overhaul every relationship at once. Choose one area of your life where you can practice saying no or asking for support.
Use simple, clear language. Boundaries don’t need to be long explanations. A short, kind response is enough: “I appreciate the invitation, but I’m not able to make it this time.”
Remind yourself why this matters. Boundaries protect your time, energy, and well-being. When you feel guilty, connect back to your values and the life you’re trying to create.
Notice the benefits. Over time, you may feel less resentful, more energized, and more connected to yourself. Let those positive outcomes reinforce your progress.
Remember: boundaries are not walls. They’re more like guideposts that help you stay aligned with your needs while still caring for the people around you.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
If you’ve been living in a constant state of overcommitment and guilt, it’s possible to create a different reality. Therapy can give you the tools and support your need to set boundaries with compassion—for yourself and for others. You deserve to live a life that feels balanced and fulfilling, not one dictated by fear of disappointing those around you.
Ready to explore how therapy can help you feel more grounded and empowered in your relationships? Soulful Flow Counseling offers compassionate therapy for women in New York and Massachusetts. Reach out today to schedule a consultation.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice or mental health care. The content reflects general knowledge and opinion, not personalized treatment. Reading this blog does not create a therapeutic relationship. Please consult a licensed professional for support.
