You can be excited about the move and still feel deeply alone.

A woman sits in the foreground, lost in thought, while a lively group chats in the background. This image reflects the experience of feeling disconnected—even when surrounded by people—in a new city.

Moving to a new place holds so much promise. A fresh zip code. New friends (in theory). A chance to rewrite your story. But if you’re here reading this, chances are you’re also feeling the sting of being lonely in a new city. Because even when the outside looks shiny and hopeful, inside it can feel like starting from zero.

I’m Jennifer, an EMDR therapist and the founder of Soulful Flow. I offer therapy for loneliness, belonging, and nervous system healing. Held virtually for residents of New York and Massachusetts, and in-person in Brooklyn. If you’re feeling disconnected in your new city and craving a deeper sense of home within yourself, I invite you to reach out for a consultation.

Together, we can gently explore what’s getting in the way of connection and help you build a more rooted, authentic sense of belonging.

The Silent Weight of Starting Over

Everyone says it’s a fresh start, but inside, it feels like starting from zero. You’ve changed addresses, maybe changed jobs, or simply stepped into a neighborhood where no one knows you. And yet the same ache of disconnection and feeling lonely in a new city lives on. You’re surrounded by strangers who already have their “people,” and you might be thinking: Is there even a place for me here?

Feeling disconnected after moving is real. The shift isn’t just about geography, it’s about identity, security, belonging. You’re packing boxes and picking paint colors (or maybe not even that). But you’re also packing old habits: pushing, striving, being the one who always shows up, even when you feel invisible. You arrive in a new city full of hope and possibility, yet you carry the quiet weight of always being “on”—still trying to prove something, even to yourself.

Feel like you carry everyone’s emotions and forget your own? Check out this blog on how to set emotional boundaries. You deserve to reconnect with yourself and stop carrying what isn’t yours.

Why You’re Not Connecting (Even Though You’re Trying)

So you attend the networking event, join the book club, say yes to dinner invites. On the surface it looks like you’re making moves, but inside, something is holding you back. Here are some of the invisible mindset blocks I see often in my work as a New York & Massachusetts EMDR therapist.

“I don’t belong here.” That little voice whispers at the party.
“Everyone already has their people.” You imagine groups forming without you.
“If they really knew me, they wouldn’t want me around.” Because you’re tired of showing up and still feeling unseen.

These beliefs aren’t just thoughts, they’re heavy. They create a protective shell. You might be socially active, yet still feel isolated because your mind is working overtime: analysing, judging, retreating. You think: If I try too hard I’ll seem desperate. If I don’t try I’ll fade away. It’s exhausting.

A woman stands alone at a window, arms crossed, staring out at a blurred mountain view. The quiet moment captures the ache of starting over—how even beautiful places can feel heavy when you’re lonely in a new city.

And yes, this “how to make friends in a new city” mindset isn’t just surface-level. It’s often shaped by deeper patterns of self-protection and old beliefs about worth and belonging. One where you show up, you smile, you invite, and then you wait to see if you’re invited back. The waiting is where feeling lonely in a new city lives.

The Nervous System’s Quiet Sabotage

Let’s talk about your nervous system (not as jargon, but as the part of you that’s always on alert). When you feel lonely in a new city or like you don’t belong, your body starts to adapt. Withdrawal starts to feel safer than risking rejection. Socializing feels draining instead of nourishing. You might think it’s just your personality, but actually, it’s your body trying to protect you.

Here’s what happens: you go out, you laugh, you attempt “normal” conversation. But at the back of your mind there’s an internal warning: “They’ll see me. They’ll reject me. It’s safer to pull back.” So you hold your breath, you monitor every reaction, you steer the topic away from yourself. You end the evening and you’re back home feeling quietly unseen.

This pattern isn’t a flaw, it’s your nervous system saying: “I’ve been hurt. I’ll avoid what hurt me again.” When you’re constantly alert, your body trades ease for safety, which means connection gets harder.

Wondering “Do I need therapy if I’m high‑functioning?” You’re managing well outwardly, yet still feeling that quiet ache. Read more to explore what’s really going on and why support isn’t only for the “big breaks.”

How EMDR and DBR Gently Rewire the Belief That You Don’t Belong

Now here’s where hope steps in. In my practice as a therapist offering both EMDR and DBR in NY & MA, I’ve seen how these therapies help change the internal story. And when that story shifts, connection becomes possible.

With Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), we identify the memories and beliefs that say: I don’t belong, I am invisible, I must keep trying. Then, through structured methods (including bilateral stimulation), the brain starts making new connections so those old beliefs lose their grip.

With Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), we focus even deeper. We attend to the body, the brainstem, the moments you felt unseen, unsafe, unworthy. This isn’t just talk, it’s the gradual rewiring of your nervous system so you feel more safe before you step into the world again.

Here’s how it works practically: we build internal safety (yes, inside you) so when you go into Brooklyn coffee shops, Meetup groups, or Massachusetts hiking trails, you’re not just “pushing through”, you’re stepping from a place of groundedness. The more you feel steady inside, the less the “what if they reject me?” voice runs the show.

If you’re in New York (for example, Brooklyn) or Massachusetts and feeling the lonely-in-a-new-city sting, knowing there’s a therapy space (virtual for MA folks, in person for Brooklyn locals) can make all the difference.

What Belonging Begins to Feel Like Again

So what happens when the internal work shifts? Here are the subtle, meaningful changes, not flashy lists of “5 ways to make friends in a new city,” but what you actually start to notice.

You reach out without spiraling into overthinking (yes, you’re still human; the thoughts might still come, but they lose the volume).
You enjoy quiet time without feeling forgotten. You’re not just filling the silence to mask loneliness, you’re resting in it.
You let new relationships grow without pressure. You don’t need the friendship to be everything today. You can breathe into the “not knowing yet.”

Belonging doesn’t mean you’re suddenly popular or surrounded by dozens of friends. It means you begin to feel like you matter. You begin to show up not from that old script of “I must prove I belong,” but from a place of “I am allowed to be here.” And with that, the new city starts to lose its edge of foreignness and begins to feel like base, not just location.

Three women smile and pose playfully together, each using their hair as a mustache. A snapshot of friendship forming—this image contrasts the isolation many feel when they’re lonely in a new city and still trying to find their people.

If you’ve been equating your worth with your achievements, this blog is for you. Learn how to stop striving for impossible standards and begin a life where being yourself (not perfect) is enough.

You Deserve More Than Just Getting Through It

Let’s pause here for a moment. If you’re reading this and thinking: Well, I’m just managing. Here’s a reminder: you’re not here just to get through. You’re not here just to survive. You’re here to feel at home. You’re here to move from “running on empty” to something steady. You’re here to reconnect with what used to bring you joy (and yes, maybe it looked different before, but it’s still within reach).

Because even though you may look successful on the outside  ( the career, the move, the outward checkboxes)  inside you might feel drained, disconnected, unseen. Maybe you hear, “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t want me around.” That voice deserves to be heard and changed.

If you’re living in New York or Massachusetts and feeling lonely in a new city, therapy can be a space to reset your sense of belonging. I work with women who often feel both too much and not enough—tired of striving, yet unsure how to stop. We don’t skip over the hard parts. We meet them with care, with clarity, and with the tools to help you move from simply surviving to truly feeling at home.

I offer virtual sessions across New York and Massachusetts, and in-person support in Brooklyn. You don’t have to navigate this new city (or this season of your life) alone. If you’re feeling lost and unsure where to turn, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can gently make space for your grief, your longing, and your right to belong exactly as you are.

Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice or mental health care. The content reflects general knowledge and opinion, not personalized treatment. Reading this blog does not create a therapeutic relationship. Please consult a licensed professional for support.

Lonely in a New City: Why It’s So Hard to Connect and How Therapy Can Help